CONFLICT

March 29, 2024

Influencing and Disagreement

So what do we do when our friends or loved ones believe something we ‘know’ is absolute rubbish. Or act in a way that is difficult for us; based on one of their beliefs. It may even be a belief about us.

If we’ve decided to try and influence this person’s beliefs, we should examine our own motives first. Why do we want to influence their beliefs? Is it because we believe they could negatively impact their own (or someone else’s) health, happiness or general welfare? Or is it more about how we feel? How the other person’s beliefs impact us? (Just asking…..) If it’s more about our own feelings, exploring why it’s important to us may be more important than influencing someone else? If it’s not that important, let it alone. Remember, there is always the option to try and understand the other person’s point of view (it might even make sense to us), or simply to agree to differ.

Finally is the argument worth the risk? And there are real risks involved. Besides the potential strain on the relationship with this person. If we don’t proceed with respect and thoughtfulness we may lose the relationship permanently.

Second, don’t try and tell someone they’re wrong. All that will achieve is an argument. Honestly, why have an argument if we don’t have to? Maybe we enjoy arguing. Some do.

If satisfied our motives are pure, the discussion is worth having and the risks worth taking. What is the next step?

There are several things to consider.

  1. Listen first. Be respectful and empathetic to them, as a person, and to their point of view.
  2. In the same way we deliver an assertiveness message, remember it’s the subject we’re talking about, not them as a person. So always talk about the issue and don’t insert personal insults!
  3. Start by exploring why they think this belief is important; what they get out of this belief, ie how does it contribute to their life? (often the reasons underlying a belief system is like unwrapping layers of a personality and the reasons for why we think and act as we do are part of the complex whole of personality, experience and environment) Be careful! The beliefs this person owns may be supporting their daily functioning.
  4. Consider if there’s a story we can tell them about others who have benefited from the point of view we wish them to consider eg someone whose life was altered/ saved/improved because of their beliefs on this issue?
  5. Think of ways to encourage them to challenge their beliefs, ie question the source of their information, explore contrary information sources and whether they are credible or not.
  6. Finally there is the option to confront them about how their beliefs are affecting us.What do we do if this person regularly brings up their beliefs, tries to ‘educate’ or alter our own beliefs or just wants to talk about an issue that’s important to them but annoying to us? We have a number of options. We can:
    • Avoid them
    • Explain that we don’t hold the same beliefs and would rather not discuss it further
    • Suggest we compare data and respect each other’s findings/research
    • Agree that this is a topic we can’t talk about

There are a number of well known topics that lead to arguments and ill feeling. Chief amongst these are those based on belief and emotions, such as religion and politics. It seems we can add many of the aspects of dealing with a pandemic to this list and that health issues tap into our feelings in a similar way to both politics and belief systems. Maybe because they all impact on life and death issues. To me the arguments and passion arising from a pandemic have aspects of a religious war. No-one is convincing anyone to change their beliefs. Instead people are locked in an attitudinal war to the death, with no quarter taken or given.

But what if their beliefs are about us and have led to a split in the family / friendship group? (This often happens after a relationship breakup, where there may be an expectation that friends will ‘take sides’) How can we address the beliefs of someone who has already decided that we are ‘the problem’?

I believe it is still very much in the same way as any other belief we wish to challenge. By being open to their view, listening and exploring its parameters with the person whose beliefs they are. The hardest thing to do is working out when and how to approach this person for such a discussion. And being prepared for a lot of negativity about ourselves.

Alison

July 10, 2022

Influencing and Disagreement


So what do you do when your friends or loved ones believe something you ‘know’ is absolute rubbish. If you’ve decided to try and influence this person’s beliefs, you should examine your own motives first. Why do you want to influence their beliefs? Is it because you believe they could negatively impact their own (or someone else’s) health, happiness or general welfare? Or is it more about how you’re feeling? How the other person’s beliefs impact you? (Just asking…..) If it’s more about your own feelings, exploring why it’s important to you may be more important than influencing someone else? If it’s not that important, let it alone. Remember, there is always the option to try and understand the other person’s point of view (it might even make sense to you), or simply to agree to differ.

Second, don’t try and tell someone they’re wrong. All that will get you is an argument. Honestly, why have an argument if you don’t have to? Maybe you enjoy arguing. Some do.

Finally is the argument worth the risk? And there are real risks involved. Besides the potential strain on your relationship with this person. If you don’t proceed with respect and thoughtfulness you may lose the relationship permanently.

If you are satisfied your motives are pure, the argument is worth having and the risks worth taking. What is your next step?

There are several things to consider.

  1. Listen first. Be respectful and empathetic to them, as a person, and to their point of view.
  2. In the same way you deliver an assertiveness message, remember it’s the subject you’re talking about, not them as a person. So always talk about the issue and don’t insert personal insults!
  3. Start by exploring why they think this belief is important; what they get out of this belief, ie how does it contribute to their life? (often the reasons underlying a belief system is like unwrapping layers of a personality and the reasons for why we think and act as we do are part of the complex whole of personality, experience and environment) Be careful! The beliefs this person owns may be supporting their daily functioning.
  4. Consider if there’s a story you can tell them about others who have benefited from the point of view you wish them to consider eg someone whose life was altered/ saved/improved because of their beliefs on this issue?
  5. Think of ways to encourage them to challenge their beliefs, ie question the source of their information, explore contrary information sources and whether they are credible or not.

6. Finally there is the option to confront them about how their beliefs are affecting you. What do we do if this person regularly brings up their beliefs, tries to ‘educate’ or alter our own beliefs or just wants to talk about an issue that’s important to them but annoying to us? We have a number of options. We can:

  • Avoid them
  • Explain that we don’t hold the same beliefs and would rather not discuss it further
  • Suggest we compare data and respect each other’s findings/research
  • Agree that this is a topic we can’t talk about

There are a number of well known topics that lead to arguments and ill feeling. Chief amongst these are those based on belief and emotions, such as religion and politics. It seems we can add many of the aspects of dealing with a pandemic to this list and that health issues tap into our feelings in a similar way to both politics and belief systems. Maybe because they all impact on life and death issues. To me the arguments and passion arising from this pandemic have aspects of a religious war. No-one is convincing anyone to change their beliefs. Instead people are locked in an attitudinal war to the death, with no quarter taken or given.

Alison

July 1, 2021

Not One of Us – Conflict, Hate & Sociopathic Behaviour

Let me begin by talking about sociopathic behaviour.  Dictionary.com describes a sociopath as ‘Someone whose social behavior is extremely abnormal. Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others.’  I  believe a sociopath doesn’t see others as real people.  Other people are seen as objects that should respond to the sociopath’s wishes in much the same way a doll would.  (It could be argued the sociopath sees themselves as a ‘God’ in a world where there are few, if any, other Gods.) Similarly, we can behave like sociopaths when we become angry with those we  neither know nor wish to understand.  Distance allows us to hate without understanding, in ways we would never consider face to face.  Whilst understanding allows us to let go of hate.  For example  it is easy to hate another driver who gets in our way.  After all, they are only a car to us, not a real person.  In the same way, online ‘trolls’ will readily insult, degrade and threaten those they neither know nor wish to understand, because they aren’t real people to the ‘trolls’.

Historically conflict has been stoked by the concept of otherness.  People are ‘other’ if they are not part of my family, my village, my country, my race, my culture, my faith.  Once defined as ‘other’ we tend to project imagined traits onto these unknown people.  If they are ‘heroes’ or famous for some kind of success, we may project good traits.  If they are people we see as a competitor or a problem of some kind, these imagined traits are likely to be negative.  Surely the ultimate consequence of such a lack of understanding is the kind of misinformed fear that drives violence, oppression and war.

Ultimately this kind of misinformed negativity hurts us as much as it does those we aim our negativity towards. 

I have a close friend who, raised in Canada, expected motorists to respond in the way she was used to at home, ie with help and kindness, when her car broke down.  However, what she got was only anger from frustrated motorists. Let me set the scene for you.  Back in the mists of time Camberwell Junction was an ‘uncontrolled’ intersection of 3 major roads in a thriving shopping centre, in urban Melbourne.  By ‘uncontrolled’ I mean this intersection had no traffic lights or any other means of regulating the traffic flow.  Adding to the chaos, all roads carried trams as well as the usual road traffic and pedestrians.  My friend’s car was quite old, so when it stopped working in the middle of this intersection traffic was blocked along several major thoroughfares.

    Not knowing what else to do (and remembering this is years before mobile phones) she locked the car and looked for a public phone to call assistance.  Really what else could she do?  On her return she found the, nearly 30 minute wait had made everyone much more helpful. Honestly, in what way did they think expressing anger, towards someone already dealing with the problem of a car that has broken down, helped the situation?

    Mindful of these stories, when my own, aged car stalled on a busy road and I knew it wouldn’t start (as the battery was flat) I wanted to avoid further problems.  Exiting the vehicle, I tapped on the driver’s window, of the car behind me, and apologising for the fact my car wouldn’t start, suggested they go around my car.  By making this gesture I called attention to my trouble.  The result was a number of young men arriving, pushing my car off the road and jump starting it.  I expect it helped that I was 21 at the time.  The moral is that personalising the situation led to a quick solution, that was far less stressful for all concerned.

    My point is that if we approach people with a reasonable and open attitude things are more likely to turn out well for all concerned.  That criticising and being negative about others is one option, but engaging with all this negativity helps no-one and generally makes our own lives poorer.  It’s  important to consider others as deserving of as much right to respect as we would want for ourselves (and a chance to explain themselves if necessary).  Hating often hurts us more than those we hate.  It closes our minds and causes us unnecessary suffering.  Meanwhile, the person we hate may be totally unaffected by our feelings, or unnecessarily hurt.   (I once worked with someone who seemed to dislike me on sight.  All I could do was avoid them and be polite.  I thought it would be a nightmare when we were both chosen to work in a small team on a project that would last some months.  The surprising result was an apology – for the undeserved judgement – and a friendship.)

    Let’s look to our similarities and try to understand our differences.  Generally we have far more in common than otherwise.  Everyone I’ve met wants very much the same things from life; friends and family that we live in mutual care with, good health and a world that we can enjoy.  Let’s enjoy it together.

    Alison

    April 22, 2017

    Don’t Poke the Bear!

    Continuing a previous theme of only picking fights that are worth having, I think it’s important to recognise there are some fights we can’t win. It doesn’t matter how right we are or how just our cause.

    I use the analogy of ‘poking the bear’ because a bear doesn’t care who we are, or about our rights as an individual. It’s a big, strong animal that can tear our limbs off just because it’s cross or we are in its way.   If our foe is very powerful and neither understands our argument nor has any interest in our having an opinion they are like the bear and there is little point in challenging them. Governments, with strict policies and rules of procedure and behaviour are like the bear, as is any person, group or organisation with power and a narrow world view.

    DONT POKE AUTHORITY - WORK-LIFE.jpg

    It is easy to see examples in the world around us. We read about journalists and other free thinkers who become political prisoners because of their opinions; individuals who are imprisoned, hurt, detained or executed for disobeying the rules of a country they are travelling through. These may not even be laws, they could be just acceptable customs that everyone else knows, but the unwary puts themselves at risk by going to that place, dressing that way or behaving in a way that upsets local custom or religion. (It seems it is especially easy for women to contravene the customs of some cultures, sometimes just speaking up may be enough to get us in trouble.)

    DONT POKE AUTHORITY - DEMON.jpg

    But sometimes the bear may be the teacher in a classroom, or the manager we report to. If this person has already made all the decisions they’re going to about a subject and won’t acknowledge a difference of opinion no argument will impact the outcome positively for us. We have to give the bear what it wants so they will leave us alone. Providing a diversion may give us temporary freedom, but usually we really have to give the bear the results they need to allow us to move on.

    DONT POKE AUTHORITY - BEAR.jpg

    Alison