Influencing and Disagreement

So what do we do when our friends or loved ones believe something we ‘know’ is absolute rubbish. Or act in a way that is difficult for us; based on one of their beliefs. It may even be a belief about us.

If we’ve decided to try and influence this person’s beliefs, we should examine our own motives first. Why do we want to influence their beliefs? Is it because we believe they could negatively impact their own (or someone else’s) health, happiness or general welfare? Or is it more about how we feel? How the other person’s beliefs impact us? (Just asking…..) If it’s more about our own feelings, exploring why it’s important to us may be more important than influencing someone else? If it’s not that important, let it alone. Remember, there is always the option to try and understand the other person’s point of view (it might even make sense to us), or simply to agree to differ.

Finally is the argument worth the risk? And there are real risks involved. Besides the potential strain on the relationship with this person. If we don’t proceed with respect and thoughtfulness we may lose the relationship permanently.

Second, don’t try and tell someone they’re wrong. All that will achieve is an argument. Honestly, why have an argument if we don’t have to? Maybe we enjoy arguing. Some do.

If satisfied our motives are pure, the discussion is worth having and the risks worth taking. What is the next step?

There are several things to consider.

  1. Listen first. Be respectful and empathetic to them, as a person, and to their point of view.
  2. In the same way we deliver an assertiveness message, remember it’s the subject we’re talking about, not them as a person. So always talk about the issue and don’t insert personal insults!
  3. Start by exploring why they think this belief is important; what they get out of this belief, ie how does it contribute to their life? (often the reasons underlying a belief system is like unwrapping layers of a personality and the reasons for why we think and act as we do are part of the complex whole of personality, experience and environment) Be careful! The beliefs this person owns may be supporting their daily functioning.
  4. Consider if there’s a story we can tell them about others who have benefited from the point of view we wish them to consider eg someone whose life was altered/ saved/improved because of their beliefs on this issue?
  5. Think of ways to encourage them to challenge their beliefs, ie question the source of their information, explore contrary information sources and whether they are credible or not.
  6. Finally there is the option to confront them about how their beliefs are affecting us.What do we do if this person regularly brings up their beliefs, tries to ‘educate’ or alter our own beliefs or just wants to talk about an issue that’s important to them but annoying to us? We have a number of options. We can:
    • Avoid them
    • Explain that we don’t hold the same beliefs and would rather not discuss it further
    • Suggest we compare data and respect each other’s findings/research
    • Agree that this is a topic we can’t talk about

There are a number of well known topics that lead to arguments and ill feeling. Chief amongst these are those based on belief and emotions, such as religion and politics. It seems we can add many of the aspects of dealing with a pandemic to this list and that health issues tap into our feelings in a similar way to both politics and belief systems. Maybe because they all impact on life and death issues. To me the arguments and passion arising from a pandemic have aspects of a religious war. No-one is convincing anyone to change their beliefs. Instead people are locked in an attitudinal war to the death, with no quarter taken or given.

But what if their beliefs are about us and have led to a split in the family / friendship group? (This often happens after a relationship breakup, where there may be an expectation that friends will ‘take sides’) How can we address the beliefs of someone who has already decided that we are ‘the problem’?

I believe it is still very much in the same way as any other belief we wish to challenge. By being open to their view, listening and exploring its parameters with the person whose beliefs they are. The hardest thing to do is working out when and how to approach this person for such a discussion. And being prepared for a lot of negativity about ourselves.

Alison

Influencing and Disagreement


So what do you do when your friends or loved ones believe something you ‘know’ is absolute rubbish. If you’ve decided to try and influence this person’s beliefs, you should examine your own motives first. Why do you want to influence their beliefs? Is it because you believe they could negatively impact their own (or someone else’s) health, happiness or general welfare? Or is it more about how you’re feeling? How the other person’s beliefs impact you? (Just asking…..) If it’s more about your own feelings, exploring why it’s important to you may be more important than influencing someone else? If it’s not that important, let it alone. Remember, there is always the option to try and understand the other person’s point of view (it might even make sense to you), or simply to agree to differ.

Second, don’t try and tell someone they’re wrong. All that will get you is an argument. Honestly, why have an argument if you don’t have to? Maybe you enjoy arguing. Some do.

Finally is the argument worth the risk? And there are real risks involved. Besides the potential strain on your relationship with this person. If you don’t proceed with respect and thoughtfulness you may lose the relationship permanently.

If you are satisfied your motives are pure, the argument is worth having and the risks worth taking. What is your next step?

There are several things to consider.

  1. Listen first. Be respectful and empathetic to them, as a person, and to their point of view.
  2. In the same way you deliver an assertiveness message, remember it’s the subject you’re talking about, not them as a person. So always talk about the issue and don’t insert personal insults!
  3. Start by exploring why they think this belief is important; what they get out of this belief, ie how does it contribute to their life? (often the reasons underlying a belief system is like unwrapping layers of a personality and the reasons for why we think and act as we do are part of the complex whole of personality, experience and environment) Be careful! The beliefs this person owns may be supporting their daily functioning.
  4. Consider if there’s a story you can tell them about others who have benefited from the point of view you wish them to consider eg someone whose life was altered/ saved/improved because of their beliefs on this issue?
  5. Think of ways to encourage them to challenge their beliefs, ie question the source of their information, explore contrary information sources and whether they are credible or not.

6. Finally there is the option to confront them about how their beliefs are affecting you. What do we do if this person regularly brings up their beliefs, tries to ‘educate’ or alter our own beliefs or just wants to talk about an issue that’s important to them but annoying to us? We have a number of options. We can:

  • Avoid them
  • Explain that we don’t hold the same beliefs and would rather not discuss it further
  • Suggest we compare data and respect each other’s findings/research
  • Agree that this is a topic we can’t talk about

There are a number of well known topics that lead to arguments and ill feeling. Chief amongst these are those based on belief and emotions, such as religion and politics. It seems we can add many of the aspects of dealing with a pandemic to this list and that health issues tap into our feelings in a similar way to both politics and belief systems. Maybe because they all impact on life and death issues. To me the arguments and passion arising from this pandemic have aspects of a religious war. No-one is convincing anyone to change their beliefs. Instead people are locked in an attitudinal war to the death, with no quarter taken or given.

Alison

ROE v WADE Repealed – Terminating Termination Rights …… Lives Saved or Lost?

CONSIDERING ABORTION LEGISLATION IN AMERICA

There’s an enormous amount of emotional investment in the question of fetal termination (abortion), especially in America and especially now. In 1973 The American Supreme Court decided women had the right to decide whether, or not, to carry a fetus to full term. Surprisingly, this decision was reversed in 2022. Many are celebrating this decision and many are grieving.

Without exploring the legal details, I would like to discuss the consequences of the belief that women should not, under any circumstances, have the legal right to terminate their own pregnancy. The overwhelming evidence is that those wishing to ban abortions’ only interest is in saving the fetus’ life. Let me be clear I am not saying these people don’t have aright to their own beliefs,, but what about the consequences of saving these fetus’. No one is talking about what happens to that fetus when it becomes a baby, child or grown up. No one is talking about the costs of an unwanted pregnancy, where a woman is then forced to carry that fetus to full term. And the costs are many and varied; physical, emotional and financial.

Graphic from ‘Glasbergen Cartoon Service’
Graphic from ‘Huffington Post’

Those celebrating this legislation change seem to have no interest in what happens to this saved life and or those who are impacted by this new life. And that is where my concern really kicks in. If we are passionate about saving a life, surely we should have an interest in what happens to this life we’ve insisted be saved?

If we are literally forcing someone to have a child, they don’t wish to have, surely we should also put in some protective / supportive strategies as well. In the case of the mother, a pregnancy always affects her health and quality of life. In older times, and poorer populations, child bearing was the most frequent cause of death for women, by far. So the least we could do is provide adequate health care, nutrition, help around the house, income support…….whatever is needed. Additionally, where this is an unwanted child someone is being forced to bear, some kind of emotional and/or psychological assistance should be provided. And this is only the assistance needed during the pregnancy. What about when the fetus becomes a baby by being born?

An unwanted child is beginning life well behind the starting line. The home may be less loving, less well provided with an enriched environment and the parent, or parents, less prepared for the stresses of providing for this extra human in their care. Is this legislation effectively, setting this new person up to fail from before birth?

I suggest that if we insist a woman carries, inside her own body, an unwanted life, the least we can do is everything possible to ameliorate any negative impacts on both the mother and the resulting new person in our world. Instead of leaving them to potentially become statistics that show how our community is failing our fellow citizens.

At least one option that could be offered is to have this child provided with an alternative life to that with the birth mother. Surely the biological father should figure in this story somewhere? No one seems to talk about the responsibility of the male parent in this fetus’ life, future, conception! Don’t guilt the mother who doesn’t want this child, especially if the father isn’t also held responsible.

Finally, there is the desperation of someone who feels it’s impossible to parent this new life and seeks a non medically supported termination, at the risk of their own health and life.

Alison

Not One of Us – Conflict, Hate & Sociopathic Behaviour

Let me begin by talking about sociopathic behaviour.  Dictionary.com describes a sociopath as ‘Someone whose social behavior is extremely abnormal. Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others.’  I  believe a sociopath doesn’t see others as real people.  Other people are seen as objects that should respond to the sociopath’s wishes in much the same way a doll would.  (It could be argued the sociopath sees themselves as a ‘God’ in a world where there are few, if any, other Gods.) Similarly, we can behave like sociopaths when we become angry with those we  neither know nor wish to understand.  Distance allows us to hate without understanding, in ways we would never consider face to face.  Whilst understanding allows us to let go of hate.  For example  it is easy to hate another driver who gets in our way.  After all, they are only a car to us, not a real person.  In the same way, online ‘trolls’ will readily insult, degrade and threaten those they neither know nor wish to understand, because they aren’t real people to the ‘trolls’.

Historically conflict has been stoked by the concept of otherness.  People are ‘other’ if they are not part of my family, my village, my country, my race, my culture, my faith.  Once defined as ‘other’ we tend to project imagined traits onto these unknown people.  If they are ‘heroes’ or famous for some kind of success, we may project good traits.  If they are people we see as a competitor or a problem of some kind, these imagined traits are likely to be negative.  Surely the ultimate consequence of such a lack of understanding is the kind of misinformed fear that drives violence, oppression and war.

Ultimately this kind of misinformed negativity hurts us as much as it does those we aim our negativity towards. 

I have a close friend who, raised in Canada, expected motorists to respond in the way she was used to at home, ie with help and kindness, when her car broke down.  However, what she got was only anger from frustrated motorists. Let me set the scene for you.  Back in the mists of time Camberwell Junction was an ‘uncontrolled’ intersection of 3 major roads in a thriving shopping centre, in urban Melbourne.  By ‘uncontrolled’ I mean this intersection had no traffic lights or any other means of regulating the traffic flow.  Adding to the chaos, all roads carried trams as well as the usual road traffic and pedestrians.  My friend’s car was quite old, so when it stopped working in the middle of this intersection traffic was blocked along several major thoroughfares.

Not knowing what else to do (and remembering this is years before mobile phones) she locked the car and looked for a public phone to call assistance.  Really what else could she do?  On her return she found the, nearly 30 minute wait had made everyone much more helpful. Honestly, in what way did they think expressing anger, towards someone already dealing with the problem of a car that has broken down, helped the situation?

Mindful of these stories, when my own, aged car stalled on a busy road and I knew it wouldn’t start (as the battery was flat) I wanted to avoid further problems.  Exiting the vehicle, I tapped on the driver’s window, of the car behind me, and apologising for the fact my car wouldn’t start, suggested they go around my car.  By making this gesture I called attention to my trouble.  The result was a number of young men arriving, pushing my car off the road and jump starting it.  I expect it helped that I was 21 at the time.  The moral is that personalising the situation led to a quick solution, that was far less stressful for all concerned.

My point is that if we approach people with a reasonable and open attitude things are more likely to turn out well for all concerned.  That criticising and being negative about others is one option, but engaging with all this negativity helps no-one and generally makes our own lives poorer.  It’s  important to consider others as deserving of as much right to respect as we would want for ourselves (and a chance to explain themselves if necessary).  Hating often hurts us more than those we hate.  It closes our minds and causes us unnecessary suffering.  Meanwhile, the person we hate may be totally unaffected by our feelings, or unnecessarily hurt.   (I once worked with someone who seemed to dislike me on sight.  All I could do was avoid them and be polite.  I thought it would be a nightmare when we were both chosen to work in a small team on a project that would last some months.  The surprising result was an apology – for the undeserved judgement – and a friendship.)

Let’s look to our similarities and try to understand our differences.  Generally we have far more in common than otherwise.  Everyone I’ve met wants very much the same things from life; friends and family that we live in mutual care with, good health and a world that we can enjoy.  Let’s enjoy it together.

Alison

Torturing Patients to Health

THE HOSPITAL SYSTEM UNDER STRESS IN AUSTRALIA

Imagine a health system where sick people are given painful injections, unexplained medication and their blood is taken regularly but apparently at  random.  Imagine patients being woken at any time of night or day by the above intrusions or the noise of a machine blaring its need for service; a patient in distress or one or more professionals performing an intervention with another patient.  It is well known that lack of sleep and intermittent pain are proven torture techniques.  But all the preceding is being done in the name of medical treatment designed to promote health.

I spent 5-6 weeks at the tender mercy of the Australian hospital system.  I spent time in two separate hospitals and my experiences in the first hospital was definitely better than in the second.   Following my discharge, a counsellor asked me what I was going to do with the anger I built up over my inpatient stay, and this article is my response.  (My GP also suggested I might help improve the system by giving the hospital my feedback.)

My main impression of being an inpatient is that staff were so busy they had no time to care about the people who were dependent upon them.  Staff had tasks that had to be done and any other patient needs or crisis of care only interrupted their  schedule.  Nurses were generally pleasant, but I never felt appealing to staff would be productive.  Nursing shifts seemed to rotate staff swiftly and randomly through the ward, and I never got to know anyone, beside the cleaner, well enough to really bond with them.  Separately, two trainee nurses were rostered onto my ward.   I asked both trainees  why they wanted to be nurses.  Both answered they wanted to ‘care for’ people.  I was baffled by these students apparent lack of comprehension that nurses had no time to really ‘care’ about, or for, their patients.

Below are some of my most repeated stories:

I have never been so tired and unable to find times when I could expect to sleep uninterrupted.  I got used to sleeping no more than a couple of hours at a time and (pre operation) wondered how I would ever be able to recover from an operation under such conditions.

Several times I woke in the night to a nurse trying to take my blood without waking me.  Why would anyone think that was possible, or indeed a good idea?

The four bed ward, I spent the majority of my time in, was cramped and noisy with windows available to only two of the beds.  I was one of the lucky ones and believe me, I felt lucky.  Cubicles were crowded with machines, a visitor chair, bedside table and over bed table and had little walking space.  Wards were mixed sex and several times I was eating a meal and could hear a man urinating into a bottle only a few feet away, on the other side of the cubicle defining curtain.  This was difficult for me (even with my liberated 70’s adolescence) both in terms of noise and nausea, it must be so much harder for women from cultures that separate the genders more strictly.

Machines that were designed to call attention to a problem, by increasingly loud beeps were rarely attended to quickly.  It was as if alarms were deemed unimportant background noise, and maybe they were. 

Several times I called a nurse and the response took over 15 minutes.  Once, at night, I was asking for pain relief and, although the nurse responded within 10 minutes, no one returned with the medication for over 30 minutes.  Once a nurse said she was not ’my nurse’ but would advise my nurse.  It took more than a further 30 minutes for ‘my nurse’ to appear.  A total of almost an hour from the first time I called.  Let me be clear that I didn’t call nurses frequently or without good reason, as I was well aware of how busy they seemed.

There were no sound baffles within this ward and the noise was almost constant and constantly varied.  There were the noises made by unwell and hallucinating patients, their bodily functions, coughs etc. and the machines serving them.  Several times patients were transferred in the early hours of the morning.  These patient transfers were accompanied by the noise and commotion of professional staff settling the patient, commenting, questioning and generally discussing the case for an hour or so.

I was woken every night for ‘observations’.  These procedures included weighing, ECG (involving changing 5-6  stick on monitors, and accompanying electrical leads and attaching to a hard wired machine to take a photo and transfer the image), and blood pressure monitoring.  ‘Observations’ needed to be completed prior to handover from night to day shift nurses.

On my first night at the second hospital I was woken by a half naked, elderly woman, opening my curtain to tell me we had to evacuate as ‘they’re all trained assassins’.  She then moved on to other cubicles before nurse intervention was able to attend to her obvious delusions.  Other ward occupants cried out in their sleep, responding to dreams or hallucinations.  I assumed that some patients had mental health issues or were reacting to medication.  Interestingly I was not offered anything to help me sleep.  Perhaps this was situation normal for staff.

The ward toilet had all the charm and cleanliness of a public facility.  It often smelt of urine and was probably cleaned once a day.  It consisted of a basin, mirror and toilet only.  Several times equipment was left on the floor for days.  I was there for about 4 weeks and the door became increasingly hard to open or close (sticking on the door jamb).  I mentioned this to nurses on the ward and then the staff in the administration area.  Nothing seemed to change whilst I was there.  There was also a shower room, with a plastic chair and no shelves for patients items, although there were handrails and a couple of hooks for clothing.  I’m not sure whose job it was to clean up after showers.  However, wet towels etc were frequently left in these cubicles, for many hours, after their last use.

Privacy seemed to be of little concern to most staff and I repeatedly had to ask for curtains to be closed before intimate procedures occurred (such as changing the electrical conductors stuck to my chest).

Following my bypass operation I spent some days in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). When I was moved from ICU I was given about an hour’s notice from , ‘we may move you’ to’ ‘here’s the bed we’re using to transfer you’.  There even seemed doubt about exactly which bed and ward I was going to, until the transfer had begun.

Discharge was similar.  After my operation, each morning, two separate groups of cardio experts (about 4 to a group) swanned in, one group saying I could go home now, the second that I should be kept for a few days to settle medications etc; this was confusing for nursing staff and me.  Nurses had to follow up with them and sort out the conflicting advice.

Amongst the other issues I was either impacted by or simply observed were:

  • I was never advised by staff that there was a separate place I could sit with visitors and or get myself some water, a cup of tea etc,  I’d already spent weeks in this hospital when, after observing other patients with cups, I discovered the patient kitchen.
  • Corridors between patient cubicles were very narrow and often crowded by groups of professionals conversing about patients; or nurses typing their case notes.  Nurses were forced to write their case notes on their bulky,  mobile computers /medication dispensing consoles, wherever they could find time and space.

Perhaps my most unnecessarily distressing experience was having the wires (from the operation) pulled out of my chest at the nurses convenience with no regard for my needs.  She chose to extract these wires at a time when my (one hour a day, Covid  19 restricted) visitor had just arrived.  My visitor was asked to wait whilst she pulled the wires out.  She  then advised me that I needed to lie flat for half an hour.  Surely this could have been timed differently!

Finally, I was repeatedly told, by specialist consultants, the increasing percentage of likelihood I would die during the approaching operation; or that it may be less than successful.  However, I was never offered any advice about what support I could use in terms of a bra that wouldn’t rub on the healing wound where my breast bone had been severed.

I can’t help wondering if this lack of time for patient care has flowed from the introduction of Casemix funding.  I happened to be working in the head office of the Victorian Health Department when Casemix funding was introduced.  Casemix introduced a funding allocation process which severely restricts the time and resources which can be allotted to each procedure.  Officially “It refers to the use of classifications that bundle patient care episodes into clinically coherent groups that require similar resources.” (from the Victoria State Government ‘health.vic’ website)

It presumes that all medical procedures can be predicted in terms of intervention time taken and patient needs.  I wonder what impact on nurse moral, staff retention and patient recovery allowing a more flexible response for patient ‘care’ would provide; and if this would be more cost effective in the long run?

Lastly, perhaps we could all imagine a hospital system that has the time to connect, personalise and really ‘care’ for the people it treats.  Perhaps we can put the idea of wellbeing back into wellness.  Who knows, perhaps wishing can make it so?

Alison

Another Thing that Frustrates me about Politicians

I’m sure I’ve already complained about my frustration with politicians distancing themselves from responsibility for the decisions they make.  Honestly, if you want to wield power, at least take responsibility for the actions you take with that power!  If things go wrong there should be a reasonable explanation for what happened, if those actions were done correctly.  And that’s probably the core problem.  There may be no justifiable reason, in terms of the population the politicians represents, for either the action itself or for the way it was carried out (I’m talking about who was employed to carry out the actions and the method/s used).  When power outsources action,  if everything goes to hell they feel justified in blaming someone else. 

The above behaviour is old political news.  I first noticed this trend in the 1980’s. So let’s talk about a newer bad habit we let politicians get away with.  This is when politicians dodge questions by giving prepared speeches instead of addressing the issue they were actually asked about.  Why aren’t they called out on this behaviour far more often?

What if the interviewer finished the interview by outing politicians failures during the interview, for example summarising which questions were dodged, how many times etc.  Perhaps we won’t be able to shame politicians into changing their behaviour, because honestly how many politicians have any sense of shame left, but maybe we can encourage the public to see them more clearly?

Similarly if a politician is blatantly lying or contradicting their own previous statements, this could be summarised at the end of an interview.  Surely the interviewer has some power to set the record straight?  I would suggest summarising after the politician has left the interview and can’t interrupt.

Please feel free to share any of your own similar frustrations or thoughts on how we can expose this sort of behaviour.

Alison

Trump – The Man Who Would Be King

What a terrible, ongoing disappointment becoming President of America must be for Donald J. Trump.

Before I start, let me emphasise that I have no personal experience of political power or of any of the actual people involved in the following. All of my knowledge comes from my personal understanding of people and the distortions of social media. That said, I strongly believe that Trump never really wanted to be president. Trump wanted to be king and not just any kind of king. He wanted to have all the power and none of the boring responsibility bits.

MAN - KING - TIME MAGAbove: Time Magazine cover of June 2018 

https://edition.cnn.com/videos/cnnmoney/2018/06/08/trump-time-magazine-cover-king-panel-sot-ctn.cnn

Donald J, was ill-prepared by his previous adult life for the presidency and it’s constrictions. Trump’s pre presidential life appeared to consist mostly of self promotion; announcements full of generalised statements and vague superlatives; denying responsibility for negative outcomes; and walking away from anything that became too difficult, or had no obvious benefit to him or his business interests.

Imagine Trump’s dismay when he became, supposedly, the most powerful man in the world and found his actions are constantly restrained by the legal checks and balances built into the governance of America. As if that weren’t bad enough the public media is far too prone to criticise their President and, adding insult to injury, quote or replay his earlier statements. (As if what he said yesterday was still relevant today!)

Sure Trump still has adoring believers. But this darned Covid 19 virus has stopped the public rallies which gave Trump direct access to even this soul soothing pastime.

How Trump must look across the world and envy the lives of other leaders like Vladimir Putin (Russia), Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (Suadi Arabia)and especially Kim Jong-un (North Korea). The absolute leader of North Korea is feared, obeyed and publicly adored by his people, The people of North Korea would never dare to tell Kim Jong-un he was a self absorbed sociopath who had no real interest in anything other than how it impacted him personally, even if they dared to think it.

MAN - KING - USA Fully ArmedAbove: Flag available as a ‘Keep America Great’ promotion in 2020

https://www.dhgate.com/product/2020-trump-flag-tank-flag-digital-print-polyester/448346855.html#seo=WAP

But never mind, I think there is a solution for Donald J.

If only Trump would turn his interest away from the Presidency to where absolute, charismatic leaders can live the life they crave. That’s right a religious sect; look at all those television evangelists, their grandiose language and adulation filled gatherings; look at L. Ron Hubbard’s life and his rigidly controlled legacy of Scientology! Failing a publicly recognised religion, there are always cults (but I’m not sure if they attract the same legal freedoms and tax exemptions.) Not surprisingly this seems to be an idea Trump has already begun to consider, if the media are to be believed!

MAN - KING - CHOSEN ONEAbove: Quotes and Tweets attributed to the American President in August 2019

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-second-coming-king-israel/

 

Alison

 

Is Feminism out of Date?

I’ve been hearing anti-feminist comments by younger women. These comments got me thinking that maybe feminism, as a movement, has lost much of its connection to women. So I asked myself is Feminism out of date?

Firstly why are younger women speaking out against feminism and refusing to identify with the movement? This may be because the word feminism carries a lot of baggage, history and attached thinking for those who hear or use the word. Perhaps younger women are unaware that many of their current freedoms are based on the social changes fought for by Feminists. This is disappointing because, unknowingly, today’s young women enjoy many freedoms because of past Feminists actions. In the past women have had to fight for control over their own lives and bodies. Perhaps these women don’t know that, for centuries, Western women lived their lives as secondary citizens and or the property of their men. Women were locked up as bad or mad for going against their male relatives wishes; married without their own consent; and denied both education and careers of their own. Indeed rape laws were only introduced because a man’s property was seen to be damaged and therefore reduced in worth (eg as a way to acquire influence or possessions through marriage).

However, the feminist fight for equality is far from over. Women are still paid less than men, retire with less superannuation and occupy far fewer of the power positions in government and business. For example there has never been a female president in America, only one female Prime Minister in Australia, and two in the UK, ever. In countries where they have had female leadership these are still far outnumbered by the many men who have held power. When I worked in the area of Equal Opportunity, about 30years ago, women made up 20% or less of the senior executives in Government and that figure has moved very little.

GENDER TASKS

Reasons for this persisting inequality, between men and women’s roles, seem to be partly based in traditional habits of child rearing and familial care being female roles. Of course child bearing biologically lies within a female body. However, emerging body and gender flexibility attitudes may impact some of this traditional thinking about automatic gendering of roles.

EQUALITY - DIVERSE BUT NEUTRAL

I would like to re-emphasise the need for widespread gender equality. I have previously spoken about the need for a broadening of roles for men as well as for women. For example, men are generally not encouraged to stay home and care for children, dress flamboyantly or be ‘too’ sensitive. What we really need is the opportunity for any gender, or non-binary individuals, to perform any of the social, economic etc roles on offer (providing they are suited to them)and be rewarded according to their worth. Perhaps we could call this new movement Gender Fluidity.

EQUALITY - PENGUIN

At the very least we can consider what may happen if we forget the lessons from history. For example Russia’s government passed laws to grant equality of rights to women in 1917. (Although an emphasis on women’s roles as mother may have helped to keep traditional values alive during the Soviet era.) When Russia’s government enforced equality ended in the 1990’s it took almost no time to revert to more traditional gender roles, violence against women increased as did gendered pay inequality (Soviet era women earned 70% of men’s salary, this has fallen to about 40%).

We need to be careful what we remember and what we forget from history, lest our current rights and freedoms are eroded too.

 

Alison

An Adventurous Journey Through Melbourne’s CBD – 2019

…….and now for something completely different…….

We have developed an exploratory adventure of some of the interesting places you can visit in the city of Melbourne, and might not already have visited. It was originally written as an adventure for our daughter, but to our pleasure, has been passed on to friends. If the clues are too cryptic there’s an accompanying set of solutions, with pictures, that may encourage you to visit these places or just explore Melbourne further.                

If you’re ready, let’s start…….

CLUES

1. Begin at the beginning and board the train. Make sure it’s headed for Melbourne and goes underground.

2. Get off the train where the government governs

3. Make sure you take the exit named after explorers who died in vain

4. Start down the street with the exit’s name. A short walk towards the heart of the city and you’ll find a Place starting with M (it sounds like a chain of Melbourne department stores but the spelling is not the same.) This laneways a forest for you to explore.

5. Keep walking to Ridgway Place (and Monaco House for unusual architecture). Look at the walled garden but you can’t go in. Only members of this town are welcome within.

6. Cross Collins St. and enter its own Place (cross the food court or grab some nourishment.)

7. Far left are the escalators that lead you upwards to the foyer of a grand hotel. Look behind the curtains then take a ride to the 35th There’s an enormous shiny scarf hanging down (cocktails and music are here from 5pm.) Then find a place where relief comes with looking down to the ground. (Hint: It’s the smallest room in the building. One for him and one for her.) A restaurant may also beckon.

8. Return to street level and walk down towards the city centre. You’ll find some exclusive retailers: Hermes, Hugo Boss, Tiffany & others are here. After all this is the Paris end of Collins St.

9.Stop at 101 and go through the doors. What a surprise lies inside; here are pillars that look like piles of body parts, golden walled pools, phases of the moon and a neo classical walk with columns, water, statues and a garden. Walk all the way through this building and exit to Flinders Lane.

 

Nearby BARS – ‘Berlin’ Bar is located in Corrs Lane between Exhibition, Lonsdale, Little Bourke and Russel Sts (opens 5pm). Here the bleak East and lavish West are forever separated – competing bars with one address (also not far away – Russell and Lonsdale) is ‘Stalactites’ for yum Greek food) Also in Lonsdale St, next to Stalactites is ‘Storyville’ for a magic experience with giant toadstools and fairy lights – opens 4pm) – In Croft Alley is the ‘Croft Institute’ devoted to science but serving drinks like a bar with a syringe for a straw?(opens 5pm – between Little Bourke, Bourke, Russel and Market Lane)

10. Cross Flinders Lane for ACDC Lane; explore then return to Flinders Lane

11. Walk down again until you find Russel St. and turn left. When you hit Flinders St. Here’s a theatre built specially to screen the premier of the film Cleopatra. If the doors are open it’s worth an explore, the interior as interesting as the exterior design.

12.Now here’s a choice!

  • You may want to cross Flinders St. to the atrium outside the Ian Potter Museum of Modern Art as sometimes there’s dancing here. Chinese women with fans dressed in black and dancing in lines. Something to watch with a drink or a snack. Explore the Australian art inside the gallery if you’re inclined. In Flinders St., next door, images move and some of them are on film. Finally cross Flinders St. again and head back up towards Russel St. then into Flinders Lane
  • Or just continue down Flinders St

13. On the right there’s Hosier Lane etc where graffiti becomes art. Watch out for all the tourists taking photos.

14. Returning to Flinders Lane and heading down again. Look up to the sky, on your left, when nearing Swanston St. Look! There’s water above and maybe a swimmer. Enter this building and you can have coffee on a swing.

15. Cross Swanston St and enter a building with a name shared with the last Russian Tzar and the jolly man bringing Christmas presents. (It’s an old building filled with artists and entrepreneurs.) Take the lift to the second floor, there’s a shop that predicts futures with religion and bones.

16. Walk along Swanston St. to the corner of Collins and enter an arcade that shares its nae with a British football club and a place famous for linen and other fabric household goods. Follow the arcade (past the smallest coffee shop in Melbourne.) Note the architectural detail and photos of the buildings past.

17.Go left down Howey Place then right and right again (more coffee options here). Pres.. on to a …grave Place where all the art is framed and hung outside on walls and overhead. If it’s after 5pm the smallest cocktail bar in Melbourne opens on the last corner.

18.Oops you’re in a dead end, so turn around and head back to Howey Place and right to Little Collins. A short left and right again into Union Lane for more wall art.

19. Walk through into Melbourne’s main Street Mall (where the only vehicles are trams), turn left and left again to walk under the Royal archway. Walk through to go under the giants who guard the big clock.

20. Walk forward across Little Collins St. and into the covered lane that is Block Place. Here are more places to eat. Around the next corner is another arcade where you can sit on mosaics and enjoy pasta and latte or a short walk the other way for the best handmade chocolates in Melbourne.

Nearby BARS – Or turn right on Little Collins and there’s an outdoor bar that’s a laugh, but it opens at 3pm and could be too cool (as in winter) Chuckle Park Bar – Back left up Little Collins is ‘Pole Pole’ an African inspired bar (opens 5pm)

21.Walk through to Collins St. then stop at 260 ‘Collins Lane’, take the escalators to the top and explore. There’s green glass in the air, a balcony overlooking Little Collins, boats just made for Japanese food and other places to sit or eat.

22.Back to Collins St. then across the road there’s Centreway arcade. Interesting T shirts, games and recycled clothes, then plenty of food as you head down Degraves St.

23.Alternatively walk down to 121 Elizabeth St and look for the half man half bull predator of Greek Mythology. Downstairs you can hunt through his labyrinth of comic books, fantasy and science fiction figures.

24.Back to Collins St. and continue towards Queen St. Stop at 333. Through the doors you’ll find a domed room containing itself in miniature. There’s an internal and an external walkway through to Flinders Lane, both worth a look. (public toilets if you need them too.)

25.Keep on to Flinders St. and turn right for a 5-10 min walk to a museum devoted to those who came from overseas to live in Australia. (Mid 2019 inside is a celebration of art on the skin – entrance fee $15)

 Nearby BARS – 6 min further down Flinders turn into King St and find a ‘State of Grace’ This a bar with a difference. Through the library the restaurant hides a secret cellar bar as well as a rooftop (opens noon)

This is the end of your guided adventure from the top of Melbourne into its heart. Hope you enjoyed this small slice of our city. But remember there’s all those bars to explore, if its late enough and you’re ready for a drink, and plenty of other places to eat.

Enjoy!

Alison

 

Solutions, addresses and a list of Bars in accompanying sections below:

 

SOLUTIONS

  1.  Melbourne Metro train line
  2. Parliament Station
  3. Bourke St – Explorers Bourke and Wills, died hours away from rescue
  4. Meyers PlaceMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Meyers Lane
  5. The Melbourne Club, 30 Collins St. entranceMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - The Melbourne Club exterior
  6. Collins Place, 25 Collins St.
  7. The Sofitel Hotel Public Toilets full length windowsMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Sofitel Hotel 35th floor Toilets View
  8. ACDC Lane (celebrates the Australian Band) GraffitiMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - ACDC Lane
  9. The Forum Theatre, 154 Flinders St: InteriorMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Forum Theatre Interior
  10. Ian Potter Museum of Modern Art Atrium, Federation Square & ACMI Australian Centre for the Moving Image(ACMI is closed for redevelopment until mid 2020)MELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Ian Potter Gallery Atrium
  11. The Adelphi Hotel pool overhangs Flinders Lane and is glass underneath. Café Om num is behind the reception deskMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Adelphi Hotel
  12. The Nicholas Building, Corner Flinders Lane and Swanston St.MELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Nicholas Building interior
  13. Manchester Unity BuildingMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Manchester Unity Building
  14. Presgrave PlaceMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Presgrave Place.jpg
  15. The Royal Arcade, 335 Bourke St Mall; look out for giants Gog and MagogMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Royal Arcade.jpg
  16. Block Arcade with cafe Duomo (not shown) and Haighs chocolateMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Block Arcade.jpg
  17. Degraves St. cafesMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Desgraves St
  18. Minotaur shop has science fiction / fantasy books/ dvds, figurines, comic books etc.
  19. Immigration Museum, 400 Flinders St – current exhibition of Tattooing & body art around the world

 

BARS A-Z

Below is list of some of the bars nearby on your journey:

Atrium Cocktail Bar – Level 35, Sofitel Hotel, Collins Place, 25 Collins StMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Sofitel Hotel 35th floor Cocktail Bar

Bar Americano – 20 Presgrave Place, opens 5pm

Berlin – 2/16 Corrs Lane, opens 5pm  East & West Bars

Chuckle Park Bar – 322 Little Collins St.

Croft Institute – 21 Croft Alley, opens 5pm

Loop Roof – 23 Meyers Place rooftop Bar – opens noon except Mon – Wed 3pmMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Loop Roof Bar.jpg

Polepole – 267 Little Collins St. Restaurant & Bar opens, 5pmMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Polepole.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

State of Grace – Hidden entrance, 27 King St. opens noonMELBOURNE ADVENTURE - State of Grace Bar

Storyville – 185 Lonsdale St., 2/16opens 4pm

MELBOURNE ADVENTURE - Storyville Bar

Some Thoughts about What Leads to Negative Body Image and Eating Disorders

When did food become my enemy? I, along with many others, am deeply conflicted over food and eating. I classify many foods as good or bad and my consumption of such foods in the same way (therefore my behaviour is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ too). And these categories are heavily weighted by their impact on my weight rather than nutritional value (although nutrition does enter into it.) In fact I can only think of one of my friends who categorises food according to good or bad by its nutritional benefits alone.

Of course my food consumption issues are driven by a sense of what I should look like. The media encourages us to judge and compare ourselves to the impossible images they present. Such media images are often manipulated to ‘improve’ even these ‘beautiful’ people. A wise woman once told me that she advised her daughters to compare themselves to women in the supermarket, ie to real people, rather than these false media images,.

Adverts for delicious food as well as slender, fit figures are everywhere in the media, the former making it even harder to attain the latter. We are encouraged to become ‘addicted’ to foods, both by advertising and their ingredients. Foods often comprise a clever mixture of chemicals, salts and sugars that encourage us to eat past the feeling of fullness or need for energy. And unlike other addictions we can’t actually give up eating without consequences worse than the addiction. We must negotiate the temptations all around us and develop habits that allow us to eat in a way that supports a healthy body.

EATING DISORDER - My Friend

I imagine the young are particularly at risk as we are so unsure of who we are, what we want and what will actually make us happy when we are developing. Research (For example The Famine Within, Canadian documentary, directed by Katherine Gilday) has already shown that many of us rate being slim as the thing most likely to make us happy, above such things as a successful relationship or career! It’s therefore no wonder that many of us mistake control over our body size for the road to success/happiness and focus on this area of our lives.

We usually try to control our body shape and size through one, or a combination, of the following ways: Exercise; Diet; Surgery. As we are surrounded by such pervasive and contradictory messages, It’s hardly surprising that many of us negatively impact our health or even put our lives at risk by developing unhealthy eating habits etc..

Let’s consider those who wish to be slim enough to put their lives at risk. Imagine the focus needed to control every calorie consumed or expended. Of narrowing your world view to the close scrutiny of every milligram of weight exhibited by your body, even counting bone density. Of being so underweight that you perceive needing to be hospitalised, to keep you alive, as a victory, as well as a threat to that control. Of hearing someone’s comment that you are looking ‘well’ as looking ‘fat’.

EATING DISORDER - PARAMETERS

I find using an‘addiction’ comparison a useful way of understanding eating and body image disorders. Like substance addictions, being extremely underweight changes our body chemistry and distorts how we experience the world. When we are extremely underweight the brain’s chemistry is altered so that ‘normal’ thought processes are suspended. As a result our ability for empathy or interest in the world, outside our own need to control our body, is drastically reduced. Maybe this is literally survival mode thinking. Maybe at this functional level the brain has no energy left to consider anything other than our well rehearsed thoughts and habits associated with the eating disorder.

Authors: Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC & Crystal Karges, MS, RDN, IBCLC published the article: ‘Eating Disorders and Addiction: Why We Continue to Engage in Self-Destructive Behaviors’ on their website EatingDisorderHope.com.

 Following are extracts from the above article; ‘… the American Society of Addiction Medicine now holds a wider definition of addiction to include not only drugs and alcohol, but also “process” addictions, such as food.  This is mostly due to the effect that all of these substances and behaviors have on the brain……. For example ‘The reward centers of our brain can also be activated by artificial means through the use of drugs, alcohol, and food abuse…….Since stimulation of the reward center of the brain acts in blocking undesirable feelings and emotions, an addictive cycle is created’

However, the authors also remind us that the issues driving any disorder must be addressed as well as the symptoms. All at the right time and with assistance that suits the person with the disorder.

‘In addition to stopping the addictive behaviors, it is helpful to address the root causes of addictive disorders to promote healing and establish the ability to cope with unsettling emotions.’

A possible benefit of having an eating disorder is avoiding life issues we may not know how to solve. Certainly whatever is driving the disorder is overlooked by those around us as they struggle with the need to keep their loved one at a healthy weight.

For those of us concerned with helping those with an eating disorder we have a difficult road to walk with them. We must assist them to extinguish self destructive habits before they can get to a place where they can address what’s driving these behaviours. In other words, their symptoms need to be dealt with before the cause can be uncovered and treated. It might be useful to think of this as having to treat the physical harm inflicted by a suicide attempt before looking at why this person wanted to end their life.

(In future posts I plan to talk about how we help our loved ones recover.)

 

Alison